I used to be incredibly angry, upset & frustrated with the way I was living my life. Questioning why God would do this to me??? Depressed, anxious, hopeless, uncomfortable in my own skin, no self worth, negative, jealous, angry, felt as if I was a failure at everything, medicines that were truly destroying me (doctors kept telling me they would help) & feeling as if I had no true purpose here on this earth. I remember thinking quite often my family would be so much better without me. When you hit rock bottom, you think to yourself this is it...it's never going to change...it's never going to get better...you are who you are...this is how your life meant to be, but God has reminded me many times that he was & is not done with me here on this earth. I remember someone asking me why I thought I was more special than others that God kept me around? Gosh I NEVER thought that my life was any more valuable than anyone else's. I believe it's because I got down on my knees before I almost took my own life & begged God to not only forgive me for what I was about to do, but I pleaded with him to show me a sign & prevent me from doing what I was about to do. Pleading with him to let me know if this wasn't the right time...I remember in that moment desperately opening my heart, my ears & my soul to him...I was so scared to die, but I also remembered feeling like I did not have 1 ounce of strength left in me to make it through one more day here on this earth.
I share this with you all because I know as humans we all face moments where we feel completely defeated. We feel disappointed in ourselves & in our lives. We face struggles & situations that we believe may never get any better. We settle thinking we are among the unlucky ones or that maybe our past choices led us to deserve this type of life.
I carried such guilt & shame for so many years after being admitted to the hospital when I had hit my lowest point in life...to make matters worse I left that hospital heavily drugged to numb most feelings or thoughts, which did no good for me at all. I didn't need more meds, I needed tools in my life that would help me cope & heal. I needed to learn how to make my life better, work through my issues & not numb them. Shame was just one more thing I carried around that prevented me from seeing how my life was really meant to be lived.
My life did not change over night. It has taken me 3 years of hard work every single day to get to where I am today. I can show you pictures of how my body has transformed but I wish I could show you how much the inside of me has transformed. They say that food is the most abused anxiety drug & that exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant, I now whole heartedly believed that. Besides working out, fueling my body properly, the biggest game changer was fueling my mind with personal development every single day.
I now understand why that mountain was placed in my life. I believe 100% with my being that I was given that mountain to show others that it could be moved. So I show up every single day, trying to inspire others, encourage others, give hope to others & work very hard at this every single day. I believe this is my purpose-what God intended me to do, to share my journey to show you that your life is not meant to be lived the way I was living it.
How you fuel your mind & body matters.
What you believe matters.
What you say to yourself matters.
Who you surround yourself with matters.
I believe every single one of us is here on this earth for a reason. I can sit here & be angry for all the years I felt were wasted while I struggled or I can chose to show up every single day to make the most out of my life & show you that no matter how big of a mountain has been placed in your way, you have the power within you to move it!
I hope that I am able to reach people that need to read this, to give them the hope they have been longing for, to inspire & encourage someone that needs it. I am always grateful for every single day I get on this earth, for one more opportunity to help or reach one more person.
I am & will always be a work in progress. I am not ever expecting my life to be perfect or easy & I still have moments of struggle, but I feel as if I have been given a new set of eyes to view this world in. Even as I write this, I am blown away that this person I am writing about was ever me, it almost feels like a lifetime ago.
One decision could change your life forever.