Those Self Loathing Feels Are Gone

Earlier today I came across a video of myself. I saw a women I no longer recognized. She looked so uncomfortable, embarrassed, and sad. I couldn't believe I portrayed on the outside exactly how I had felt on the inside. I thought at that time I did a good job of hiding that. I sat in silence staring at the old me. I thought about all the things I use to feel inside, I thought about how I was a self loather and what a feeling of freedom I felt today after staring at the old me. There was so much I didn't like about myself. I remember feeling pretty disgusted with my almost 200 pound body. I was in denial about it on most days, until I had to go to an event and get dressed up. I avoided social situations as much as I could. I made sure I was not in any pictures. I would not shop unless nothing fit, because it was humiliating searching through the sizes I had to wear. I was squishy everywhere and there seemed to be rolls appearing more frequently on my back. My arms jiggled terribly and were so weak. My stomach hung over my pants and forget wearing tall boots or skin jeans, because my calves couldn't squeeze into them. It took many years of medication and self neglect to reach the point I had reached. I remember searching online for the newest breakthrough in diet pills ordering them off of a radio advertisement or watching Dr.Oz and trying everything he swore was the next breakthrough. Not one bottled helped. I tried the South Beach Diet after my OBGYN Doctor suggested it and that didn't work. I tried Weight Watchers, but found myself saving points for unhealthy foods like their carrot cakes, chocolate chocolate chip muffins or their ice creams bars that tasted like a snickers. This wasn't healthy for me either. I tried walking as much as possible and being careful about what I ate, but nothing budged. I was frustrated and it was taking a toll on my health physically and mentally. Fast forward to now. I cannot believe that I found what works and that I was able to stick with Beachbody for 15 solid months. Truth be told I did quit after the first two months because I was comparing my results to everyone around me and I wanted the weight to come off faster. So I took almost two months off and then on my 34th Birthday I decided enough was enough. I had to stop comparing myself to others and just worry about me. I made a commitment to workout daily, eat clean and drink Shakeology. I decided there was not going to be a finish line, that this was going to be my new lifestyle. The first couple months I disliked working out so much because I was so out of shape. I remember thinking everyday I don't want to do this and I don't like doing this. Then I decided I really needed to start tricking my mind and telling myself I loved working out everyday and eventually it just stuck. The feelings I get from working out now make me feel so good I could not even imagine a day without it. Crazy...right??? I went from thinking walking was a good enough workout to pumping iron and loving it. So there is no more self loathing here. I have learned to love myself. I am not a size six weighing 130 pounds and I am completely okay with that. I am working hard everyday at making healthy choices and although the weight loss has been slow and steady I am okay with that. Why?? Because this time it's coming off and not coming back on...ever. I am learning to appreciate this healthy working body and all that it does for me, I know I need to treat it right if I want to enjoy my family as long as I am able too. If you are tired of disliking yourself, then stop! Do something about it! Work your butt off everyday and every night, you will reap the benefits and it will be so freeing for you to finally feel what I do....comfortable in my own skin.