Today is the day I have decided to share with the world and leave my comfort zone, letting everyone know about my real life struggles. My past has haunted me for a long time, it has left me feeling ashamed and embarrassed. I am finally strong enough to share my story and to let everyone out there know I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed. Some people may watch my video and think "why would she ever let everyone know this about her"? It's pretty simple, my past no longer imprisons me. I am no longer that person I once was, suffering everyday. I am finally the person I have prayed to become for so many years. I am the strongest I have ever been and I wanted to have the courage one day to share this with the world. Why? Because I know I am not alone. I know there are millions of people suffering from what I suffered from. I know there are people that are so blessed to have all this be a foreign subject to them and you truly are blessed. I am not sharing this for sympathy or attention. I am sharing this, because I want to provide hope for someone who may be experiencing or has suffered from the same pain I have. This strength I have now, did not happen over night. It has taken a whole year to get to where I am now. It has taken reading some great personal development books, amazing support from my coach, my teammates, my challengers, my family, my friends and most importantly learning to love myself. I have yearned for the tools to teach me how to change my life, how to stop suffering and to be better to myself. Learning these tools has not only helped me, but my family.
So people have asked me "how did things ever get that bad, you no longer wanted to live, you had everything, why would you do this"? Well, have you ever seen a commercial for depression meds? They warn you of suicidal thoughts, but when your that bad you take the chance hoping that doesn't happen and you get better. In my case, that did not happen on the meds I was on at that point in my life and it only made things worse. I literally felt like I was in a black hole and the only way out, was to end my life. Scary right? It wasn't because I didn't love my family, I truly felt this was the only way to end the pain. It literally consumes your every thought, every second of every day and you just want it to stop. It was embarrassing and shameful, I didn't want anyone to know this about me, I kept smiling and hiding it as best as I could, even though I felt like I was dying inside. I had tried everything I was told to do, nothing was helping me. After I was hospitalized, things got worse in a different direction-I truly felt emotionless-numb to everything. To be honest, the answer always seemed to be: take more of this or try this, eat healthy and workout. The more medicine I was on, the less I felt and the farther away I was from feeling like a human being.
So after years of feeling this way and putting on 40lbs from the medicines, I was desperately searching for help. Of course I wanted to find the fastest way get the weight off and searching all the quick fixes. I truly thought well if I lose the 40lbs-I would be happy again, but it was much more than just losing the weight. When I thought about my past and at my lowest point mentally, I was thin-even after having three kids. It wasn't the weight that made me depressed at that time(it was my mental illness), but fast forward to now at this point and at my heaviest I have ever been it was affecting me. During this time my son was diagnosed with food allergies and I was starting to research foods and the effects that processed foods had on our bodies and minds. I was starting to see a correlation, in my own life with food and my feelings. I thought we were eating healthy and I was walking 3xs a week on the treadmill, but this wasn't good enough. I wanted to loose the weight for good, I wanted to feel things again, I wanted off of my meds. I stumbled upon my coaches blog and after chatting with her, I knew I had to give this a go. I realized this new way of eating and working out, did not have an ending date. This was going to be my new lifestyle. The more I did it, the easier it got. To date I have lost 28lbs and over 20 inches, almost completely off all my meds- but the biggest achievement is how strong I am mentally, physically and emotionally. I learned that I couldn't expect my medicine to change me and I had been waiting for it to do that for years. I had to change. I had to change my thinking, I had to change what foods I was putting in my body and I had to learn how to increase my endorphins naturally by exercising on a regular basis. It was up to me to fix things and not solely depending on my medicine to do it for me. I am on a very small dose right now of one medicine and it does help balance things for me. I may stay on this dose forever or one day not need it. It is not the only thing I rely on now. It is not only liberating to feel what I feel, it is a life changer for me. Beachbody has helped me so much and I am so honored to be helping others find themselves again. Nothing is more rewarding then helping others get stronger mentally, physically, emotionally and watching them learn to love themselves again!
I am not going to lie, sharing this today....well it has taken a lot of courage. I made this video 10 days ago. I then shared it with my husband, then my mother, and then a small group on my team. After my weekend away with my team, it changed my life even more. I was blessed to be rooming with my accountability partner, I met in my first challenge group. We chatted after a "aha moment" in training and it was a huge release for me to confide in her as we exchanged our stories. Her friendship and support through this year has helped me so much, it's crazy to think that we live in different states and were complete strangers at one point. We were brought together by a challenge group and I am forever grateful for her support!
I am sure now you will understand why I am so passionate about what I do. When my coach first asked me if I was interested in paying it forward and helping others.....well I thought how could I possibly help others, when I was still trying to work on myself? Low and behold, it was exactly what I needed to do. I have developed amazing friendships with my challengers and hopefully they have realized I am truly in this to help them. This is my passion and my purpose. I am truly honored to be helping others and truly honored that people have put their faith in me-to help them.
Please know that I am not saying I can take your depression and anxiety away. I am also not saying that the medicines didn't help me, some did and some did not. What I am saying is I can help support you, help provide you with the tools to make a better life for yourself and if you truly want to change your life-then ultimately its up to you! No one can do it for you-you have to want it and you can do this! I am proof, that no matter how long you have suffered, you can change your life and learn to love yourself!